a guilty mum's confession towards my 2nd child

Daddy Chan: "Mummy, mummy didi is calling you..."
...
..

Daddy Chan: "Mummy are you busy with something, can you play with didi??"
...
..

Daddy Chan: "Mummy I noticed you've been checking your phone all the time...."
...
..

These, were what I've been hearing from Daddy Chan throughout the last day of our long weekend holiday.

YES I AM EXTREMELY GUILTY....

Let's face it, I am not trying to paint a perfect picture about how awesome a full time working mother's life is. My friends all know that I've been sharing a lot on my facebook account about my family, my kids as I enjoy tracking down our daily memories in chronological order this way. It also helps to update the relatives, most importantly the grandparents, about our little ones' growth.

And I am not kidding, those moments where we have peaceful afternoons with both boys working on their own stuff quietly, those moments where the whole family plays board games after dinner, those moments where Daddy Chan talks about science with Renzo and I hug Rynus to read Thomas storybook in one room, those moments where Renzo practicess his piano and Rynus watches his Leapfrog DVD side by side and not get distracted in the living room, are 100% for real!!

But sometimes, just sometimes, we do need our "ME" time to enjoy some privacy. We have already formed a habit to attend to our own stuff only after kids go to bed because after work, we have about 1 to 1.5 hours of bonding time with them so we do treasure that a lot. But things get a bit tougher during the weekends, when kids occupy every single minute of our time. For the fact that I need to wake up before 630am and prepare 3 meals for the family, I am cutting myself some slack and thinking there's nothing wrong to leave the kids playing on their own. Of course I am feeling the immense guilt from spending too much time on my own stuff, and neglecting the boys, or rather Rynus in this case for the past few days. I do give Renzo a lot more attention more because he has more worksheets that require parents' signature each week, if not everyday. He has bitesize tests to go through starting from P1 term 2, so getting him ready for his tests is my priority as compared to watching Rynus tracing his letters. We mentioned not once, not twice, but many times about the 2nd child syndrome, and inevitably, poor little Rynus seems to have became the victim.

Rynus has all along been a very sensible boy who doesn't seem to seek for much attention from us. We are truly blessed that he's independent and understanding.
But...

Each time I see Rynus singing along with his Leapfrog DVD, not bothering about whether I am busy on my phone, or cooking in the kitchen, or sitting next to him singing together... it hurts!

Each time helper mentions I am doting on Renzo so much and poor Rynus is not mummy's boy but aunty's boy... it hurts!

Each time I chat with Renzo about his daily life in school, Rynus skips to me like an eager beaver and asks: "Mummy, ask me, ask me how's school!??"... it hurts!

And I have absolutely no excuses here, my boss allows me to have work life balance and I don't even need to worry about work stuff once I am home. So it's often just whatsapp messages or facebook updates that keeps me occupied. Ironically, when many other parents are struggling with kids spending too much time on electronic devices, worrying about the effects on them, and wondering if too much screen time will slice-and-dice their attention spans, change their brains, hamper their social skills, disrupt their sleep and affect their learning. We don't have that concern at all as the boys do not touch any gadget, but I, am the one whose face is buried with touchscreen rather than my kids.

"To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today." - Barbara Johnson

To my dearest Rynus, I am sincerely sorry for those instances of ignoring you by staring at my phone. When I tell you I love you, I don't say that out of habit, or to start a conversation, I want you to know that you are the best thing ever happened to me and you deserve all my time, efforts and attention. It's not just about feeding and caring for your physical needs, but also to ensure that you are looked at, listened to and understood. I will change for better, for you my dear son!